What is my/our deal?

My friend Ryan (picture to the right with an awesome beard) recently wrote a blog about prayer and its presence, or lack thereof, in our lives of faith. That got me thinking about my journey of prayer within my faith. It all began in junior high when my mom began giving me journals and I would write out my prayers, but rarely actually pray them in the standard sense of closing my eyes and attempting to imagine a deity of some kind. Moving on from this rather safe relationship, my college years were filled with long and sometimes arduous times in the prayer chapel at Bethel University. These were fruitful, but seemed to be lacking in their sustainability. As I found my way to seminary I have had many theological discussions regarding prayer along with doing a learning contract on the topic, but have found that my prayer life continues to falter. I recently read a book by Greg Body called "Seeing is Believing" where the main premise is the need to use imagination as a source of engaging with God. The point is that we remember visually, not with data and facts, and that to truly engage a being that cannot be seen we must use our imagination. It is an outgrowth of some of the characteristics of lectio divina (see Eat this Book by Eugene Peterson for an introduction on this topic)

So, beyond the intellectual exercises that I attempt to utilize to help my prayer life become more of a conversation, I need to come to grips with the honest truth. I think that I am truthfully afraid that in my prayer I might get to a point where God decides that my sins are too great an offense. I think that I fear the justice of God in my prayers which sometimes makes me not want to pray. I know that this goes against much what I say that I believe theologically, but it is the truth of my journey. I long for that intimacy, but sometimes it is just hard to find. I would love to know of your journeys...